First things first: I’m not pregnant.

Of course, there are more details.  Let me share them with you!  Don’t read further unless you want to hear about menstrual cycles, okay?  Actually, maybe skip to the end, because I talk about feelings in the second-to-last paragraph.

So, when we last spoke I was feeling excited about the plan: Take progesterone to jumpstart my lady-organs, get my period, then use ovulation test sticks to confirm that an egg was happening, and see what happens from there.

You guys, it worked!  I took the pills for 10 days as ordered and two days later, on the 104 day of my cycle (!!!), I got my period!  Oh, I was so happy.  And then a few weeks in I started peeing on ovulation sticks and lo! I got a positive!  So far so good.

I didn’t get pregnant that cycle – which was okay.  The hope was that once I got my period and ovulated by body would think “ohhhhh yeah! I remember this!” and just keep doing it.  But it didn’t work that way.  I went in for my yearly physical and told my PCP that I was on the 43rd day of my cycle (Reminder, a typical cycle is 28 days).  She put me on another 10-day course of progesterone, and had me schedule an appointment with a doctor who specializes in gynecological endocrinology.

I got my period on the 2nd day of the progesterone course.  I thought that meant my body was catching on, but Dr. G (the gynecological endocrinologist) thinks it was a spontaneous menstruation and the progesterone was just coincidental.  Isn’t medical lingo glorious?  “Spontaneous menstruation”!

A note about Dr. G.  He it totally old-school and adorable.  He’s a bespectacled gentleman who wore a cardigan and a really rumpled, lopsided bow-tie.  The phlebotomists tell me this is what he always wears.  He was not at all interested in talking to me for the first 15 minutes of the appointment, he just wanted to read the notes.  He gave me sex advice like “remember, sex is about more than intercourse, it’s about a mutual coming together and release between partners.”  He is obsessed with cycle beads, and was a little surprised when I told him that there’s an app for that.  I really like him.

Dr. G tells me that it’s normal for a woman coming off the pill to take up to 6mos to return to a regular menstrual cycle.  So I’m in the realm of normal, just at the high end of it.  He also tells me that cycles can be up to 42 days long without any reason for concern.  He gave me this plan: Don’t do anything except track my cycle (cycle beads! or my app) and have sex twice a week or more (it’s a mutual coming together and release, after all).  If my cycle goes over 42 days, take progesterone.  Rinse, repeat until pregnant.  Return in June to check in.

Sounds like a good plan, right?  I’m on day 32 now.  I took a pregnancy test recently and it was negative, but I’ll take another one this weekend.

It’s really important to me that you know I am okay!  We are very very early in this process.  We have technically only been trying three months, because you can’t get pregnant when you’re not ovulating, so bring it on!  I know it can take a lot longer than that.  I have a good plan, and I know that this hurtle is easily addressed with progesterone.  However, I am annoyed and frustrated and a little disappointed in my body.  For half my life I have lived by this 28-day cycle and I was so accustomed to it I didn’t even realize how much I needed it.  I’ve always thought of my body as strong and beautiful and, yes, reliable.  We had an understanding, I knew what to expect.  Now that has changed.  My body and I are already in uncharted territory, when I thought this part would be familiar.  My body feels a little less trustworthy and it’s impacted me in surprising ways.  I think this is what people are picking up on when they tell me some variation of “don’t worry”.  This is so well-intentioned, yet it makes me bristle a little.  I am not worried.  Worry feels invalidating.  I’m a little sad and angry, and I’m working hard to be gentle with myself.

Finally, I’m being considered as a blogger for What to Expect When You’re Expecting, for a “trying to conceive” blog.  I’ll keep you posted, because if that happens I’ll be writing about this more!

Next update in July.  Feel free to reach out if you have questions or need updates in the meantime!